December 28, 2009

I spent all day yesterday sulking. Can you believe it? Sulking. Just like Jonah. I can't tell you why. Overactive empathy of a character study?

I also reread Saturday's post and thought, "Well, this doesn't make any sense." Actually, I thought, "You have no idea what you're talking about." Maybe that's why I sulked. Maybe it was my way of saying, "See, God, I told you this would happen. I'll write something stupid, something that at least 1000 biblical scholars will scoff at, and this entire blog thing will be nothing but embarrassing."

This is not good "in-the-vine" thinking.

What got me hung up was remembering what Jonah told God when he first started sulking: "I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity." Jonah 4:2 (NIV)

So, if he knew that God was so abounding in love, why was he sulking? Just two verses -- minutes, I can only imagine -- after uttering those words, the book then says that "5 Jonah went out and sat down at a place east of the city. There he made himself a shelter, sat in its shade and waited to see what would happen to the city." Jonah 4:5 (NIV)

What would happen to the city? Really? Even I know the answer to that one: nothing. They got it together. They reconnected. They were back in God's grace. So what on earth was Jonah expecting to see? God renege on the deal? The world's greatest bait and switch? Or did Jonah just say all that about God's unbounding love but didn't feel it himself?

I keep looking for answers to my own sulk. There are conditions to blame, of course. Problems that have hung around long and hard and don't show any signs of letting up. But I know better than that. I've just finished a four-month study in Joy, and all the answers that I found made perfect sense. Joy is not based on conditions. Joy is something that just blossoms out of a deeper understanding. At least, that's what unconditional joy is. Amazing how limited the effect of knowledge lasts.

Joy is also described as a fruit (Gal 5:22), which brings me right back to the entire "in the vine" thing.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."John 15:5 (NIV)

No connection, no joy. Sunday's sulk was simply about me being disconnected. I woke up this morning and was determined to leap out of the funk. I focused on the positive. I let go of the many, many conditions in my life that are way out of my control and turned them all over to God. I tried rampaging my appreciation. I forced myself to rethink the false premises, to replace them with the truth: God loves me. God wants the best for me. Things are good. Chill.

And then I got to work.

One of my jobs (I have several -- so why am I still so broke?) is with a government contract run out of a medical school. It's a wonderful job with wonderful people and a wonderful purpose. And it's the most tense, harried, negative place I've been around in years. Today was no exception. Within an hour of arriving, the tension and frustration had already mounted to a palpable level, and by noon, well, the insanity had moved to its usual high. It's hard to describe much of what happens there, but it often doesn't feel good.

Now, I've prepared for this; I've shared with several co-workers that my goal is to stay positive, to retain my joy despite the insanity, and to NOT be one of the many who degrade to a daylong gripe about it all. I've asked them to hold me accountable, to call me out, when they see me start to get that same tired, apathetic, bitter look in my eye. But by noon, I was back in my project manager's office (a Christian with an amazing heart and one of my self-imposed accountability partners), unloading the bile about another sabotaged project. Catching myself, I said, "I'm sorry. I'm doing it again. I'm supposed to rise above this." And she said, "No, you have a right to be angry about this."

4 God said, "What do you have to be angry about?" Jonah 4:4 (MSG)

Good question.

Better question: How do I keep the connection to pure love, pure joy, pure peace? How do I keep such a strong bond to the vine that all I feel is the lifeblood flowing in rather than the harsh winds stealing me dry?

2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers. Psalms 1:2-3 (NIV)